The Gamble of B*tch-hood

BLOGGER'S NOTE: I've wanted to write this post for quite some time. What's prevented me? A mental tiptoeing around of a potentially offensive and alienating topic. What recently changed my mind, however, was a listography touting the 15 traits of brazen and blatantly women sent by a dear friend. This friend, brazen and blatant herself, suggested that I share its inspirational sentiment with my readers. Never one for card games, I surprisingly offered to see her pair of "Bs" and raise her another "B," one that's unfortunately, yet often associated with these successful women. With such unapologetically high stakes, I could no longer afford not to play my hand. For those whom gambling and reality offend, I'd respectfully recommend sitting this hand out. 

"KNOW WHEN TO HOLD'EM"
We all remember our "first time." Mine happened early in my career, a few years out of college while working on Capitol Hill. Perhaps a bit cliche, but I do remember like it was yesterday. I was standing near my cubicle bantering with a colleague when our conversation took a serious and unexpected turn. He'd asked my opinion on some work he'd done and I shared a constructive, or so I thought, alternative approach.

When he saw that I was serious, his response a bit frustrated and flustered, "You're such a..." My attention instantly tweaked, I stared directly at him anticipating his subsequent word choice. He quickly reconsidered and continued, "You're so... Aloof!" "That's not what you were going to say!" I countered. "Say it!" I taunted with a measure laugh. "Say what you were going to say!" As if relieving a grown pressure in his head, he exploded, Okay! You're such a B*TCH!" Knowing this comment was intended to put me in my place, a place of apologetic submission, I unaffectedly smiled, looked him in the eyes and said, "I know." then walked away.

Though it was an isolated incident and we remained friends until I left the Hill a few years later, to this day I have conflicting feelings. Sure his verbal slap stung, but it also felt oddly empowering. Empowering in a way I wouldn't understand until writing this post.

"KNOW WHEN TO FOLD'EM"
Let me be perfectly clear when I say that the "B" word is:

• Never an acceptable or appropriate way to define successful women
• Not a derogation exclusively used by men to minimize women's achievements

Never An Acceptable or Appropriate Way To Define Successful Women

Most of us already are aware of the misogynistic dichotomy that exists between successful men and women, but for those still in need of some education, the comparison is simple: successful men are assertive, ambitious, confident, opinionated, tough, and smart. Successful women who possess these exact same attributes, more times than not, are b*tches.

The double standard is clear. Our society convenient yet carelessly packages these attributes together and allows them to define and minimize women's passions, ambitions, and accomplishments. For years, we've enabled the gross preservation of the mindset that successful women are scary, angry, and even unfeminine. This constant massaging of words and actions has made it difficult, sometimes impossible, for women to openly and without regret celebrate their achievements.

Not a Derogation Exclusively Used by Men to 
Minimize Women's Achievements 

There's no doubt that men bare the b*itch-calling brunt. Their historic power, influence, and cultural dominance makes this so. A conversation a few years ago with a staffing agency colleague newly out of college, however, gives me hope that attitudes are changing. Specifically, he relayed a conversation about salary expectations where a candidate matter of factly told him, "Well, I'll definitely need to make more than my wife. Gotta be the bread winner!" Visibly appalled by his recollection, my colleague rhetorically asked me, "How ridiculous is that? Shouldn't he be happy and supportive that his wife is successful? What is this, the 90s?"

Throughout my own career, I've actually found women to be significantly more critical of their female peers than men. Working mostly in female-dominated offices and several industries, I've seen and heard first-hand the rampant gossip, "She botched a presentation big-time last week! I hope she's fired. She deserves it! She's such a b*tch!"  Also the self-serving, why-her-not-me mentality, "Why would our boss promote her? I'm sure she's doing special favors for him.  What a b*tch!" Instead of supporting one another at work, women often create a competitive, reality TV-style environment where the last woman standing gets the proverbial rose (accolades, raise, promotion) and also the undeserved b*tch label.

"KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY AND KNOW WHEN TO RUN"
To me, it's unfathomable that women who so intimately relate to one another's professional obstacles and challenges openly and without apology bestow this label. I'm embarrassed to say that from time to time, I've participated in this behavior.  And though it might have seemed warranted in the moment, the use of this word certainly said more about my insecurities than anything else.

For this reason among so many others, we need to better understand and address motivation. In my experience, there ultimately seems to be an overarching question of self-worth, a lack of confidence or power, among those who so flagrantly spew the "B" word. Not sure what I mean? Here are a few examples of the emotions that prompt the word's use:

• Jealousy - "Why is she getting more attention than me? She doesn't deserve it!" I've been working here longer than she has!"
• Insecurity - "What if she knows more than me? What if our boss promotes her and not me?"
• Rejection - "She thought my idea was stupid…  She made me feel so embarrassed!"
• Intimidation - Okay, Miss Know-It-All, I'll show you!"

"YOU NEVER COUNT YOUR MONEY WHEN YOU'RE SITTIN AT THE TABLE"
When a "B" word accusation is unexpectedly made, it's difficult to be prepared let alone armed with a cunning comeback. Since the initial shock oftentimes feels unrecoverable, it's important to know how to respond. Below are several ways to handle such a situation with professionalism and tact.

• Ignore It - The reason most use this word is to get a reaction from their target. If there's no gratification, instant or otherwise, they generally will stop.
• Say, "Thank you!" - There's no better way to deflate an insult regardless of size than with a polite acknowledgment. As Gloria Steinem once shared (yes I'm going there with a feminist quote) when asked the best way to respond to the "B" word, "Say thank you. It totally disarms them. They don't know what to do."
• Confront The Culprit - It's always better to address a professional issue with someone directly before taking additional action. Letting someone know that their behavior is perceived as offensive can be an eye-opener.
• Make A Formal Complaint - If the accusation in ongoing and no longer can be ignored, it's best to let a third-party, ideally HR or a manager, intervene. Before doing so, make sure all incidents are documented. Be aware that such a complaint could exacerbate an already volatile situation.

And a few considerations for coping:

• Seek Support - Reach out to women who've been pinned with the "B" badge.  There's strength in numbers, so talk to others and gain their backing.
• Never Use The Word - Though it's tempting, at times, we're better off remembering the golden rule - treat others as we'd want to be treated. Also, there's nothing worse than a hypocrite, so don't be one.

"THERE'LL BE TIME ENOUGH FOR COUNTIN' WHEN THE DEALIN'S DONE"

While writing this post, I came across an online article 
in which its writer made a statement that

instantly resonated with me, "Being a b*tch is immensely more powerful than simply being a bystander." Thinking back to the incident so many years ago, I now realize something important. Thought I wasn't able to articulate it at the time, the rush of empowerment I'd felt came from not backing down, apologizing, or "simply being a bystander."

Truth be told, I gravitate towards women who aren't bystanders. Not because they are bossy, bratty, rude, snobby, or mean but because they have opinions, speak their minds, aren't afraid to ask questions, and don't accept less than they deserve. No fragile flower myself, I strive to emulate these qualities on a daily basis, so women who see me as a role model, mentor or leader, know they don't have to cave beneath the word's suppression. Instead of caving, we need to change the conversation around the "B" word's meaning. Though it will take time, I know those burdened with the badge of b*tch-hood are up for the challenge.

A BIG shout out to Kenny Rodgers for the iconic Gambler lyrics.